Time has been passing quickly.

After a couple days of fighting and a near breakup, Steven and I hit our second wind.  The past few days we've been more in love than ever and we're finally starting to work things out instead of bottling them up.  I'm happy as could be, if not utterly exhausted from working 6-7 days a week.

Life is almost good, and it's getting better every day.

I fucked up.

...horribly.

And although he says everything will be okay, I can't help but have this awful sick feeling in my stomach.

I know I said I'd be okay if things didn't work out...but I didn't want it to be like this.

My fault.

My mistakes.

My complete and utter stupidity and lack of common sense.

I slashed myself to pieces over it while he was gone, but that wasn't enough.  I deserve worse, and I for sure don't deserve him.  I don't deserve to be treated better than any other piece of trash on the side of the road.

I love him.

So much.

But I fucked up

...again.

We got sick.

Yay for Emerald Point and loads of grimey ass kids who carry diseases.

I was previously writing about Steven and I know I promised to finish...

I find it funny how quickly things change.  I've never been with someone who I literally love more and more every day.  Everytime I'm with him, everytime I talk to him, I find something else about him that just fits.  The way he works with his family, the way he looks at me...from baby pictures to dogtags, every bit of his life and who he is drives me more and more to want to be a bigger part of it.

I still hold firm that we shouldn't move too fast.  Lord knows I've been there and done that.  As I wrote before (err, edited like 5 mins ago) I want to make sure I'm not blissfully ignorant in this one.  I wanna get a feel for him before I get too far in.  I wanna make sure that I see him for who he is and not who I want him to be.  Because right now, no matter much he thinks he's a fuck up, he's nearly too perfect.  Everything about us is amazing.

Even when we fight.

Which we do...a lot.

...Ass 

I love finally feeling safe.  And even though I still distance myself sometimes, I'm really starting to trust him.

It's been over two months...the way I see it, it's about time to give him some credit for dealing with me.

I love him.

All I could ever want right now is a day full of chicken soup and movies.

Lord knows my fever's rising again.

Damn you Steven.  I love you.

I realize I promised to update this weeks ago.  My last entry barely made any sense to anyone but me, so sorry to anyone trying to figure out the mind of Chelsea...

Once again, life has gotten away from me.  My nephew is three weeks old, and I have no idea where the past month has gone.  Last week I went to Quantico with Steven's family to bring him home.  We've spent every available minute together since...and I'm actually happy being in a relationship again.

My family is driving me completely and utterly insane, which would usually be my topic of venting and anger, but I've been told not to dwell on the negative so much...

So instead, let's pick out everything that's going well in my never dull life...

My nephew is beautiful.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those people who think a baby is pretty just because it has a fragment of their DNA floating somewhere in its teeny little body.  In fact I expected this little boy to come out looking uglier than a Chuckie doll, Lord knows my sister was awful looking.  But thank God he looks human, and even though he cries and I barely get anytime with him thanks to my unmentionable family, he makes me really happy.

I've even been having dreams of a family.  I can thank my sister for helping me develop a biological clock...damnit.  I don't feel so bad, cause Steven talks about it a lot too.  I'm trying not to let things move too fast with him ( speak of the devil, he's calling   ), but it's not easy when all he seems to want to do is support me and make me happy.

Lord he can talk a lot...I'll finish this soon  (promise for sure this time)

The baby finally came yesterday.  I'm sitting in the hospital even as we speak, but more on him later.

First, my epithany I came across last night.

Throughout the past few years of this journal, I've written about loving this person or that person or wanting them to be the one and really hoping it can work out and blah blah blah.

Bullshit.

I've realized that for years I've tried to find someone to fit into my idea of a perfect life.  I've overlooked their flaws.  I've overlooked every sign that showed me how unperfect this hookup or that relationship truly was.  I was looking for love instead of letting it find me.  I was trying to build my life around people instead of finding stability in myself.

I've finally realized how far into puppy love I've been.  How far into my own lies I've let my heart take me.  I needed something, and I was willing to sacrifice everything to find it.  I was willing to look past all the warning lights and force myself to be miserable hoping and praying that I'd for once find someone who would stick around.  Dreaming that even if I couldn't change them, I could change myself.  Anything to make it last.  Anything to force myself to be happy.

But true love lasts longer.

True love is more compatable.

And maybe instead of trying to find someone to build myself around, I should make stability and begin the life that I want

...find someone who fits into the life I already have.

Maybe that's Steven, maybe that's not.

But for once, someone fits me.  He's the other half of my jigsaw.  And maybe I'll grow or maybe he'll change.  Maybe in a couple years or months from now we'll be too different.  Maybe we won't fit anymore.

But for now, every piece of him fits perfectly into me.  Every bit of his mind and spirit makes me happy.

For once I'm not fooling myself.  For once I'm being realistic.

I'm not pushing for the future, or planning my happiness around him.  I'm being happy in the present and finally taking it one day at a time.  I'm relaxing.  I'm having fun.  I'm moving forward with my life, and planning out the things I want to do with it.

I'm going to start making a life for myself.

And of course I want him to be a part of it.  Forever.  For always.

But I'm determined to not fuck myself over expecting every fairytale I come across to have a perfectly happy ending.  Sometimes neutral is all you can hope for.

For now I'm flying high and falling fast.

Ahh!  Baby time...(yes I finally edited it  06.15.07)